Nicholas Leifker <nwl9354@unix.tamu.edu>


Leifker presents...

Second Nature

A work of anime fanfiction by Nicholas Leifker

Escaflowne created by Shouji Kawamori.  All rights reserved.  I ask
that you not publish or use any part of this work without the author's
permission.

**********************************************************************

  What do you see when you look in a mirror?  Do you see just a
  simple reflection, only the chiselmarks and curves that form the
  face?  Or do you see something else... something darker?

  It's almost enough to terrify me anymore.  I know who I am now,
  and what happened to me... but it still doesn't help.  I wish I
  could get rid of him and everything he stood for in all his
  chaotic madness, but I can't.  He is a small, frightening part of
  me, just as I was a small, quiet part of him when he was in
  charge.  And, when I look upon myself in the mirror, it isn't just
  me I see anymore... but him, with his blood-red eyes, and angry
  scar, and animal sneer.

  I've asked my brother about him on a number of occasions, and ask
  if he can see him.  Bless his heart, he is usually kind enough to
  say no, but I can tell he does, seeing a black-clad warrior where
  I should be.  Others can too - I can see the fear in their eyes as
  I walk through the market, and feel the heat of their whispers
  behind my back.  And, as frightening as it sounds, I can see him
  sometimes more than I see myself.

*****

  Perhaps all this is a byproduct of what I have been through.  I am
  in truth a gentle soul, though I doubt I could be held back if I
  saw the sorcerors who did this to me.  What they did... most
  people would gut them on sight for, for a sin to the innocent is
  magnified a thousandfold.

  Once upon a time, I lived a life of nobility, a sheltered life
  away from the devils of the night, or the screams of the
  battlefield.  Life was a dream - my mother and brother watched
  over me, comforted my scraped knees and insect stings, and made
  sure I was kept warm at night.  How I screamed out their names
  when I found myself taken!  but, my screams fell on deaf ears.  I
  was rounded up and taken to a dark place, a monstrous land of
  technological demons and soulless people.

  Still, even in this dank pit, I found some friendship.  The lionic
  Jajuka protected me, becoming my sole comfort there.  A small part
  of me still longs for his warm touch; unfortunately, I was taken
  away once more, and would not see him again until shortly before
  his death.  Even then, I could not appreciate his presence... for
  _he_ was in charge.

  The hells I went through over the coming weeks I do not remember
  much.  It was, to a large extent, a fading away, each session with
  the sorcerors dissolving away everything I was, everything I
  wanted to be, stripping me of every shred of existence... and
  putting him in my place.  Despite what they said, despite what
  they hoped, I survived... somehow... and came back.

  What the following years held I see in my nightmares, and pray
  never to see in the flesh.  Mechanical monstrosities, horrors to
  rival Atlantis' end, with me playing the head devil... every time.
  I could not, _would_ not do such things... but there I was.  And,
  for all I wish otherwise, I know he can come back, if I am not
  careful.

  For he is me, whether I like it or not.  I can still see his
  handiwork - the scars and scorchmarks along some of the city's
  streets let me know of his sins, and that he was as real as I am
  now.

*****

  If you were to ask me what hell is, I would point you to the
  mirror.  The mirror hides nothing, and tells the truth behind the
  masks we wear.  My eyes are as red as blue when I look inside, and
  my face as handsome as it is beautiful.

  I wish I could be rid of him.  Unfortunately, he lives inside of
  me as much as I lived inside of him.  I am as much Dilandu as he
  was Serena.  And, for my - for our - sakes, we have to come to
  some balance.  He is still inside me, and he will find a way out
  if I am not careful.

  Perhaps in time, Dilandu can find peace.  I pray I can show it to
  him, as his soul sees my light just as I saw his darkness.  For if
  I cannot show him repentance, both our souls are damned to hell.

  He is me, perhaps for all time.  And, unless I can convince him to
  become a part of me, we will destroy each other.  It is the only
  way - and, yet, it is the most difficult way.

  It is the only way...

**********************************************************************

Nicholas Leifker
nwl9354@unix.tamu.edu
http://people.tamu.edu/~nwl9354
November 23, 1997
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