jrhaye@earthlink.net
All the characters mentioned are used without permission and
with no intention of harm. Escaflowne and its characters and
story are copyrighted by Sunrise and other people I don't know.
Now that that's taken care of, this takes place after the end
of the series Escaflowne. I very very very strongly suggest
that if you haven't seen the whole thing, that you don't even
look at this fic. Extreme spoilers included. This fic is also
based on my sister's somewhat sketchy translation of the
series, so if anyone has any comments on anything concerning
the assumptions I've made, they would be greatly appreciated.
Please write to jrhaye@earthlink.net with the story name in the
subject line. I've also taken the liberty of giving Hitomi's
little brother a name.
* * *
Where the Heart Is
An Escaflowne Fanfic
by Adrienne A. Gonzales
Dear Diary,
Where can I begin? I sometimes wonder about all the
events of the past few months. Not only about how or why it
happened, but whether or not it really happened at all -
although I know where my pendant is and remember clearly the
face of the person who has it. I wonder how everyone is doing
without me. Probably as well as they did when I wasn't there.
Allen found his sister; Princess Mirana, I heard, is doing
just fine without Dryden; and Merle is helping to rebuild
Farnelia. Everything seemed almost back to whatever normal was
before I arrived on Gaia.
I know I played a big part in making sure Zaibaha
didn't take over everything. I have to believe I had a good
impact on everyone's lives, because if I don't then I'll feel
that my attachment to... to Gaia is unreasonable. I made the
decision to come back to Earth. This is my home. But Gaia,
and all my friends on that invisible planet, are with me
wherever I go. Perhaps that is why I chose to come home. I
missed my family and my friends very much. And I couldn't let
them worry about me any further. But I still miss my friends.
I told myself that I wouldn't write about him. I
thought that I would be able to. But I can't. I wasn't able
to write down all my thoughts when I was on Gaia. Maybe that's
why my memory doesn't serve me as well as it should, but that's
beside the point. I have to write about him or else I'll
forget. But I could never forget about Van.
I almost didn't realize how much he means to me and me
to him. If I had discovered only now, it would have been too
late. But the fates let me know. And I was able to tell him.
Not in so many words, but he knew. But I should have known
when he saved me from falling, and I saw those beautiful wings.
He was the angel that I dreamt of so often. I should have
known when I saw him fall to his own demons. I didn't think
about what would happen to me. I just needed to bring him back
from the edge. But when he tried to tell me in the barn, I
should have known that it was his boyish pride that stood in
the way of him telling me what he really felt. And with my own
pride damaged, I turned on him. I had often wondered why my
own heart should tear when I saw the look on his face when he
caught Alan and me kissing. And why I was so ashamed.
But time wasn't on my side. I discovered too late. By
the time we both knew, I had to leave. And I think my decision
was the right one, no matter how much my heart tightens at the
memory of Van's arms around me, carrying me away from
Dornkirk's ship and to safety. Or how much I cry when I
remember the way he held me for the last time, telling me
without words how much I mean to him. But that is all in the
past. A week past.
Amano Sempai chose not to leave the country after all,
although I can't say that was a wise decision. He would have
gone far. But Yukari is very happy. I can't blame her. At
least her love is not thousands of miles away. Mother is
calling me down to dinner. She has been very understanding of
my need to be alone. Father and Ryuu-chan have also left me to
myself - although I found Ryuu-chan trying to pry the lock to
my door. I was hugging him before I could yell at him. It is
nice to be home.
Dear Diary,
I dreamt the most wonderful dream tonight, but I'm not
entirely sure it was a dream. It was so real and vivid, I
could swear I was right there. I saw Van standing in his
castle, looking out over his rebuilt kingdom into the setting
sun. He looked so handsome in the plain red shirt he always
favored. He was never comfortable in fineries. I couldn't help
but come up closer to be as near to him as possible. A smile
crossed his face, and I shared the sunset with him.
It was so real, I can't be sure it was a dream. But if
it was, it was the most pleasant one I've had in a long time.
Dear Diary,
I ran the 100m in under 13 seconds! I couldn't believe
it. Yukari said it was because of a certain memory, but I know
it wasn't. She said that Amano Sempai cheered as loud as
everyone else. Then she laughed and hugged me again. I took
first place in the meet. My first victory! Mother and Father
treated us all out to dinner. Ryuu-chan didn't even try to
throw his food at anyone like he normally does. Maybe he's
growing out of it.
Dear Diary,
I miss him more than I thought. Today as I was waiting
for the train, I saw him floating over the water. He was
sitting, and his lovely wings were spread out behind him. My
heart almost broke when I saw my pendant around his neck. And
then he smiled at me. I told him that I was going to be okay.
I think I will be. But I can't help thinking that he's
missing me as much as I miss him. He had a smile for me. I'll
always have one for him.
Dear Diary,
Today, I went to the Festival with Yukari where we ran
into Amano Sempai and one of his friends from college. It was
kind of strange seeing him again. But he had plenty of stories
about his new school and friends. Yukari seemed to hang on his
every word, which left me to talk with his friend. A pleasant
enough young man, but he was a little pushy, which made me feel
uncomfortable. But in a way, I'm glad he was, or I never would
have had that picture drawn.
We passed by a woman who, for a small donation, was
drawing people. Amano's friend (I really don't remember his
name for the life of me) wanted her to draw a picture of me. I
didn't want her to. Those people always tend to pick the one
feature you're most conscious of and make it bigger than the
rest of your face. But she insisted that she would draw me the
way she saw me. I sat down, but very reluctantly.
It took a long time. Everyone watched her work, but I
couldn't see anything. That's when I realized I feel strangely
apart from the world around me. I'm existing in it, but at any
moment, I could wake up and find out that this was all just a
dream. Of course, my mind drifted back to the invisible world
in our sky. Memories flooded back, pleasant ones especially.
A talk under the stars about family. A rescue by an angel. A
rare smile under big brown eyes.
When the woman was finished, she appeared pleased by
her work. The others kept looking at the drawing, then at me,
then back at the drawing. I think it was Amano's friend who
pointed out that he could see me as an angel. That's when I
first saw the picture.
The woman drew me in my yukata, staring up into the
sky. But what struck me the most was the fact that she drew
wings coming out from behind me. Wings! How could she know
that I was thinking about Van? How could she know about his
beautiful wings? Or how much I miss him? She wouldn't tell
me. She just said simply that she draws what she sees. She
mumbled something about fate, but I lost her in the crowd.
It's a mystery for now, but is it a sign? Maybe she
saw what I was thinking. Maybe she likes angels. Maybe
there's more to it.
Dear Diary,
I often stare at the drawing of me with wings, and I
realize I can't stop thinking about Van. I wonder what he's
doing now. Is he going on with his life? Does he still think
about me? Questions that will never be answered.
I'm going to college next year. My life is changing,
for the better, I hope. I'm still studying my heart out for
the exams. I've got a training session to go to in a week.
Even more work to do.
Dear Diary,
I had another dream. It started out as more of a
memory than a dream. Van needed my help again. The Zaibaha
Guymelf was going to hit him from behind. But before I could
reach him, he turned around and turned Escaflowne into a
dragon. He flew high up into the sky, spinning dizzily higher
and higher through the blue skies. Then he came back for me,
and we rode back to Farnelia where Merle was waiting. But she
was bigger than I remembered. And when Van walked over to her,
she didn't run and jump on him like she used to. She steadily
and deliberately walked up and curtseyed. I looked at her and
realized that she was getting more beautiful as the years
passed - has it really been two years? - and was growing up.
Just like my brother. She was saying something that I couldn't
hear, but Van seemed to find it funny. I sat with them as they
hosted a ball. I can hardly remember the last time I saw Van
in anything other than his plain pants and red shirt and sword
at his side. But tonight, he was wearing a nicely embroidered
tunic over his normal clothes - I could see a little bit of red
peeking out from the neck - and his sword, as always. He
looked so handsome.
Apparently every woman at the ball thought so too. I
watched them watching him and for the first time since I came
back, I wished I could stand proudly by his side. But those
wishes are better left unanswered.
Dear Diary,
Merle is being courted! I saw it in my dream. She was
introduced to this young man at a ball, and he liked her so
much, he asked Van for permission to court her. And he agreed,
like any big brother should. But what surprised me the most
was that Merle didn't mind. In fact, I'd think she was hoping
Van would say yes. *giggle* But it was even more interesting
when that cat-girl played the coy young woman to the shy young
man. I don't remember a time when she was ever coy or shy
about anything!
Dear Diary,
College is harder than I ever thought. There are so
many more people here than back home. I think I'm homesick.
But Yukari is here, and that gives me some comfort. My cards
also help me. With them, I've made three new friends. They
think it's neat how I can know so much about them by dealing a
few cards. But I haven't had any more of those terrifying
visions I had four years ago. In a way, I'm glad. It
sometimes keeps my mind away from that almost painful choice to
return home.
Maybe it's time to think about where I am rather than
where I wish to be. Maybe I should make my own destiny with
what's in front of me, not what's behind me. Maybe I should
try to forget about him.
After all, I'm from Earth, and he's from Gaia.
Dear Diary,
I'm running in the trials today. It's going to be the
first real competition I've had since I got here. I'm a little
scared. These are the times I wish I hadn't given away my
pendant. I could use the strength.
Dear Diary,
I qualified. I'm going to be on the team, and will run
in the individuals. Amano Sempai - I can't help but call him
that - said he'll help train me. I think Yukari's a little
jealous, but she has no reason to be. I've seen the way he
looks at her when she's not looking. The same way she did when
he wasn't.
Dear Diary,
I've met a really nice guy. His name is Sho, and he's
a medical student. He walked by me when I was flipping through
my cards, and he asked me if I would tell his fortune. At
first, I was reluctant, but I gave in. The cards didn't tell
me much beyond the immediate future. That he would ask me out
eventually - I kept that part to myself - and that he would do
really well on the exams he had coming up. Well, I bumped into
him today, and he asked me out. We ate dinner and had a drink
with Amano and Yukari. They like him. I think I like him too.
Dear Diary,
I broke 12 seconds! I can't believe it. In my first
meet this year, I broke not only my old record, but my 12
second goal. I ran it in 11.82s. I not only won the race, I
won the meet for my team, too. I don't know how it happened.
I had trained for weeks and weeks, but I had never beaten 12.
For some reason, I felt like I had wings. But I guess hard
training pays off. Sho gave me two dozen roses, although I
have no idea where I'm going to put that many flowers, and
treated us all to dinner. I can't wait until the next meet.
I'm going home at the end of this year. I've only been
home a few times since I started college two years ago. I
don't feel as homesick as I used to. In fact, I'm getting used
to living on my own. It's a nice feeling. And Amano and
Yukari are here. And Sho...
Dear Diary,
Today I'm doing something I never thought I'd do. I'm
putting away my cards. It's going to be hard, but I've decided
it's what I have to do. Amano and Yukari are getting married.
I can't believe it. They told me last night before I left for
home. I guess everything about my childhood is now gone.
Yukari... How could she do something like that? She was
always the one who said that she was going to die single. Of
course, she said if she couldn't have her perfect man she was
going to die single. I guess she has her perfect man. I don't
know. Do I envy her? Or do I adopt her outlook on life? If
that's the case, I probably will die an old maid.
Dear Diary,
I can hardly believe this is my last year at school. I
just turned twenty-one last month. My childhood can't be gone
that easily, can it? Oh well, I guess all I can hope for is
that the job I have lined up will come through for me. Sho
already has some medical schools asking for him by name. Yes,
he is that good. And I'm so proud of him. I'll be moving into
an apartment here after school's over so I'll be closer to work
- I hope I hope - and to Sho. But I have to train hard. If I
win the next couple of meets, I'm sure to get the spot. My
first one is in three weeks. Keep my fingers crossed!
Dear Diary,
I won my first meet! I ran 11.21! One more to go!
Those wings flew me to victory again.
Dear Diary,
I can't believe this has happened. Why is life so
unfair sometimes? My leg is shattered. My running days are
over!!! My life is over!!! Why? Why did that damn driver
have to drink so much? Why did Sho have to pick that street to
drive on? Why did it have to be me? Why!
Dear Diary,
The doctors said that I was lucky to come out of the
accident with my life. I can't help but feel that I was
cheated out of something more. They said that I can never run
again. If that's not bad enough, it also means I'm out of a
job.
For what it's worth, I've caught up on school while
I've been confined to this damned bed, and will graduate with
everyone, but that still doesn't make me happy. How can I be
when all my dreams have been shattered like my legs?
Dear Diary,
I'm recovering slowly but surely. All the people I love
have been constantly in and out of the hospital, watching over
me while I'm awake, and while I'm asleep. I have a great view
of the moon from my bed. It's been my constant companion these
few months. Sleep sometimes eludes me, but when it does come,
I always have the same dream. I don't ever remember it, but
when I wake up, a flurry of feathers rest gently and silently
on my bed.
Dear Diary,
I graduated from college. I was able to hobble on
crutches to pick up my diploma. Everyone cheered. I could
have walked on my own, but if I lost my balance, I wouldn't
want anyone to know.
Yukari and Amano have invited me to stay with them for
a bit while I look for another job. I'll take them up on their
offer. I need to be doing something or I think I'll go crazy.
Dear Diary,
Sho has asked me to marry him. He wants to take care
of me and not have me worry about anything. He'd loved me
since I told him his fortune two years ago. He's a sweet and
loving man, and when I opened my mouth to answer him, I had
"yes" in mind. But out came a distinct "no." I didn't love
him. I thought I did, but I didn't. I never have. I care
very deeply for him, but I could never love him like...
He didn't seem to mind. He was sad and hurt, but I
think he understood. He said he had a feeling all along. He
said it had something to do with "a faraway look" in my eyes.
I didn't realize I had a look about me, much less a "faraway"
one. But when we parted company, I had a vision of him meeting
a young woman who he absolutely adored. And I saw them marry.
It made me feel a little better, but I still feel empty. I
think I'll go home. I need to go home.
Dear Diary,
My room hasn't changed one bit. Everything is where I
left it. My cards are still in the little pouch I left them
in. It reminded me of Grandmother, so I went to visit her
grave. We had a long talk. About things I didn't want to talk
about for the past few years. If anyone could understand what
I'm going through, I knew she would. I told her that I was in
love with someone I could never see again. That I tried to
push him out of my mind as much as I could. That I tried to
forget, but in the back of my mind I couldn't. That I came
back because I didn't know if I would ever fit in or belong in
his world. I didn't know if I could ever hope...
It's been almost seven years. I tried to forget about
Van Farnel and how much it hurt to leave him. But the seven
years have done nothing but strengthen my love and deepen the
pain. Grandmother married because it was expected of her. But
her heart was betrayed by her "faraway look". I know now that
I can never marry anybody but the one whom I cannot.
Van, how I miss you...
This was the last entry made by Hitomi Kanzaki. She
disappeared three days later. Two weeks passed and a letter
appeared on the door of her room, addressed to her family and
friends.
Dear Mother, Father, Ryuu-chan, Yukari, Amano, and everyone
else,
Please do not worry about me. I have finally found the
happiness that has eluded me for the last seven years. A
happiness that I have found on a place as dear to me as the one
I left. I am, don't laugh, on the planet Gaia, which lies just
beyond our own moon. Although you cannot see us, I can see the
Earth as clearly as the moon itself. Please do not think I am
mad or crazy. I am quite happy.
Seven years ago, I was taken to Gaia in the wake of a
dragon's destruction by a boy my age who came from that world.
Well, that boy's name is Van Farnel. King Van Farnel of
Farnelia. And he loves me as I have loved him since I left
those long years ago. I came back home because I felt that
Earth is where I belong. It was where I was born and raised,
so why shouldn't it be? But as much as I tried, I couldn't
forget Gaia and Van. Only when I came home for good from
college did I realize that I belonged neither to Gaia nor to
Earth. I belonged to both and both belonged to me. The first
part of my life, I needed to live on Earth. But now that I
have become independent of my family and vice versa, I need to
live the rest of my life on Gaia. Home is where the heart is,
and my heart is with Van. So Van is my home as well as my
love.
I wish you could have been here for our wedding. But
just know that I had them give me away in your names. I also
wish there were some way I could visit, but that's not for me
to say.
All I can say is that I love you all. Please don't
forget me. I can never forget you.
Love and Memories,
Hitomi Farnel
Dear Diary,
He's loved me all this time. He knew I visited him
when I was asleep. He felt my presence at his side, and was
never lonely. But when I forcefully tried to put him from my
mind, he felt my absence as keenly as I felt his. But I knew
when he visited me, too. I felt him lift me on the wind when I
ran. And when I shattered my leg, I felt his presence watching
over me as I slept. He brought out my true answer to Sho. He
listened when I told Grandmother everything. And he came back
for me. And he loves me!
I am no longer Hitomi Kanzaki. I bear the last name of
the man I love. This will be the first entry of the diary of
Hitomi Farnel.
Hitomi closed the thick old leather-bound book and tied the
little black ribbon. She placed it in a small chest on top of
her Earth clothes next to her deck of tarot cards. She stood
and straightened out the long flowing dress that somehow felt
extremely comfortable. She walked, not hobbled, to the balcony
and looked up at the moon and the Earth. Her leg felt
surprisingly like normal.
"Feeling home-sick?" a deep voice asked behind her.
She smiled at the feel of his arm around her shoulders, pulling
her closer to him.
"How can I be when my home is here?" she asked. Hitomi
turned around and entered Van's embrace. She looked up at that
face she knew so well. He had only grown more handsome these
past few years.
On Gaia, in a kingdom called Farnelia, on a balcony of an old
castle stood a man and a woman. They embraced, and his great
white wings opened and swept them upward. Van and Hitomi
laughed as they flew into the night sky.
Finis.
October 5, 1996
jrhaye@earthlink.net